


Sometimes Always

by Allthephils



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Canon Related, Doubt, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Phil needs some reassurance, they really love eachother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 12:31:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18800410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allthephils/pseuds/Allthephils
Summary: Dan meets Phil where he is





	Sometimes Always

Phil’s swim trunks float somewhere on the other side of the pool. They’re probably too old for this or maybe this is exactly the right time. They can afford this place with its pool surrounded by palm trees, overlooking an ocean they won’t risk swimming in. They’re isolated just enough, safe from prying eyes and google searches. Phil’s parents are in another house just up the road but he’d rented this place just for he and Dan. They don’t do this sort of thing anymore, they aren’t rabid for each other the way the fans imagine. It has been nearly a decade after all. It isn’t a hardship to share a house with Phil’s parents, they can stay quiet or just go without. 

 

Not this time though. This year has been different from any year since they’ve known one another. There’s no joint content, no radio show, no tour, no live shows, no book. Dan is determined to find his purpose, his calling, that thing that makes him feel like his life isn’t a joke. He knows what he means to his fans but it isn’t enough, he needs to know he’s moving forward, growing, and truly creating. Phil just wants to hold things up so Dan can figure it all out. He feels a little guilty at times, a little silly, a little inferior for not wanting more for himself. He likes YouTube. He just wants to make content and be with Dan and maybe get a dog. His brand of ambition is different than Dan’s. He’s satisfied.

 

So, when Dan told him he wouldn’t be coming along to Florida this time because he’d been invited to a writer’s retreat, Phil had tried to be supportive. 

 

“Comedy writing? Is that a thing you want to do?”

 

It was a silly question, he doesn’t know what he wants to do. That’s what all this change has been about. Of course, Phil thinks Dan is hilarious. He thinks he’d be a great writer if he could tone down the pretension just a little bit. It's just that Phil’s been wanting to write a book or a screenplay for so long, he might be a little jealous.

 

“Ok but Phil, would you even go if you were invited?”

 

No. The fact is, it’s not Phil’s thing. It was invitation only, for mature YouTubers, people who have been identified as potential moneymakers, people who could go mainstream. That’s not Phil and he knows it. He doesn’t even want that. Maybe it’s just that he misses Dan. He sees him every day, they do everything together, but yeah, he misses him. They used to be creative together. They used to work together and stay up late arguing over which glances to edit out and which innuendo to leave in. Day to day life is different, not bad just different. And it is Mother’s Day. Only in America of course but Kath deserves a celebration on both sides of the pond. Dan generally scoffs at that sort of thing but he knows better than to argue with Phil when it comes to his mother. He’s a smart man so he’d sweetly apologized and promised to join them after the retreat.

 

He got in last night and Phil listened to him go on about all the things he learned. He listened to him complain about YouTubers and how sick to death he is of them. Except Phil, of course. He does that, he pulls back, makes exceptions, makes sure Phil knows he is the original, he’s not the same as the rest of them. The fact remains that he wants out of that world. His foot is on the gas and there’s a piece of Phil that is terrified of being left behind. Couples grow apart all the time. That can’t happen to them. 

 

So this time, they’ll have a house to themselves. They’ll sleep late and take all their showers together. They’ll talk into the wee hours and fall asleep wherever they end up. They won’t have to explain the weird movies they watch and they will decide together when to spend time with the family. They need to strip to the core of who they are. It isn’t YouTube and projects and plausible deniability. It’s something intangible that anyone who sees them together can see, plain as day. It would be cliche to say people search their whole lives for what they have but it would be true.

 

“Did your mum do this? Is she worried about us again?” Dan’s chest is pressed against Phil’s, the cool water a stark contrast to the hot sun beating down on their shoulders. 

 

“No, I did. I wanted you all to myself.”

 

Dan hadn’t bothered to put anything on, just strode out, totally naked, and stepped into the water. Phil followed suit before Dan could swim to where he stood against the blue tiled pool wall. Memories of Jamaica rushed in. They were so young and Dan was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, so golden in the sun. He knew they’d end up here. He knew Dan would be infinitely more gorgeous nearly a decade later, that they’d be together and they’d be ok. Dan didn’t though. He still doesn’t know how they got here or where they're going or if they’ll be ok. That doubt scares Phil and undermines his nearly unshakeable confidence in what they have. 

 

Phil doesn’t hold back, digging fingers into the soft flesh of Dan’s ass, lifting him easily in the water. Legs wrap around his waist and his mouth moves to press against familiar skin, saltier here than it is at home, hot and slick and predictably sensitive. That taste and the sound of short breaths and stilted moans, those things are Phil’s. This piece of Dan is his and his alone. It isn’t the sex, not just the sex at least. It’s the absence of shame, the honesty, the raw, unabashed connection. 

 

Phil holds him there, all of him. He’s whole with Phil in a way he isn’t with anyone else but he’s searching for that thing that makes him whole on his own. The realization washes over Phil, a rush of fear up his spine, and he lifts his head to kiss Dan as deeply as he ever has. One hand moves to wrap around Dan’s back, pulling him in, desperation clear in the quick shift.

 

“Babe.” Dan says, pulling back only to have his bottom lip bitten and pulled by Phil’s chasing mouth. “Are you ok?”

 

“I love you.” Phil wants to get on with it. He needs to be reminded of how they know each other, how he can’t be replaced, but he feels Dan’s legs unfurl. He steps back and there is far too much distance between them for how hard they both are, how they ache for one another. Years ago, they’d have fucked right here. In Jamaica, they’d have touched each other under the water till they nearly came then wrapped themselves in towels and snuck away. That’s not how they got here though. A relationship like theirs isn’t born of clear blue waters. This love emerges new again and again from the murky emotional depths of real life. 

 

So Phil looks into Dan’s eyes and sees his worry and his waning patience. He heaves a breath and empties the contents of his anxious heart.

 

“I’m scared.”

 

“Ok.” Dan’s voice is terse, low on tolerance after a week of too much social contact. “Why are you scared?”

 

“You’re speeding ahead of me.” Phil puts a hand to Dan’s face. “I’m happy for you but I’m afraid you won’t need me anymore.”

 

Dan has made his way to the wall next to Phil and he lifts himself to sit on the edge. Phil could do the same but he fits himself between Dan’s knees instead. Arms wrapped around Dan’s waist, he rests his cheek on his wet belly, aware that he’s thinking, slowing his breath, formulating just the right words.

 

“I won’t need you as much Phil. I think that’s true. I already need you less than I used to.” He rakes long fingers through silky black hair. “It will take time but the goal is that I won’t _need_ you at all.”

 

Phil looks up at Dan, knowing there’s more. 

 

“But I will always want you.”

 

There’s a sharp rush of breath from Phil as he lays his head down again. He knows this, he knows all of this, just as he always has. 

 

“Dan can you just say that again?”

 

“I’ll say it everyday, if that makes you ok.” He shoves Phil back a bit and slides back into the water, pulling pale skin close to revel in the contrast that makes them who they are. Phil’s head on his shoulder now, Dan continues to comb through his hair because he knows it comforts him. 

 

He speaks soft but clear at Phil’s ear, “I will always want you Phil. I will always love you. We only get better from here, yeah?”

 

Phil nods into Dan’s neck and nuzzles in, peppering damp skin in wet kisses. He murmurs I love yous into his collarbone and feels their bodies respond like there had been no pause. It was only a few words, a look or two, and now this, but it’s almost enough. They end up tangled together on the tropical cushions of the poolside chaise. Dan tries to be quiet but Phil pulls the sounds he needs to hear out of him. He makes no mistakes. There is gentle conviction in every touch, alongside respect and love and primal desire that can’t be feigned. Just one last absolute assurance that there is something transcendent about the two of them together. They chose each other when they were young and incomplete and it didn’t seem like a choice at all. And now, with every possibility in front of each of them, they’ll still choose each other every single day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi at [@allthephils](http://allthephils.tumblr.com/)
> 
> If you liked this fic, reblogs are appreciated. You can do that[here](https://allthephils.tumblr.com/post/184823184730/sometimes-always/)


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